|
SIPPING VODKA
This is too funny I still have tears in my eyes! Finally, a chain letter
that I don't mind forwarding.
It's funny (don't break chain)
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting
nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon
his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred
to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8)
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his
ass.
10)We do not refer to
the cross as the "Big T."
11)When
Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next
Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings
good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.
Do not keep this letter. Do not send money just forward it to
five of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh. You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken.
> > Psychological Test
> >
> >
> > It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral
of her mother,
> > she met a man whom she did not know. She thought he was amazing,
> > her dream guy, and
she fell in love with him but never asked for
> > his number and could not find him after the funeral.
> >
>
> A few days later the girl killed her sister.
> >
> >
> > Question:
> >
> >
What was her motive in killing her sister?
answer!
What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
Fishing Joke
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across
the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his
cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you
had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her
for 40 years."
POWER TO THE BLONDES!
A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade
class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''
Her mother replied, ''Of couse it is, dear.''
The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the
alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''
Her mother replied, ''Of course
it is dear!''
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ''I have a larger chest then
all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?''
Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because
you are eighteen years old."
Blondes stick together..
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded
to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan
tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show
his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The
Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
The blonde and the Microwave.
One day a blonde walked into the local appliance store and found this great deal on a microwave!
So she went to the cashier and "Sir, may I buy this microwave?" The cashier said "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
The blondes goes home and finds a hat that covers her entire head.
The next day, wearing her hat, she goes back to the store and asks about the microwave.
This cashier also tells her that they don't sell to blondes. She goes home and dyes her hair black that night.
The next day she goes into the same store with her newly dyed hair and asks, once again, about
the microwave. She gets the same response. She goes home and shaves her head that night.
The next day she goes into the store with her newly shaved head and asks about the microwave.
The cashier say " Mam, we don't sell to blondes and please don't ask again!"
In reply she says " first I wear a hat, then I dye my hair, the I shave my head, how do you still
know I'm a blonde??" the cashier says, "because that's not a microwave, it's a T.V.
I Gonna Back to Italy
(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis
toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna
two piss onna my plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you
no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady
and she call me a sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I
wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not piss
on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at
the desk say: ''Peace unto you'' I say ''Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy''
> > 16 THINGS TO DO IN A BATHROOM STALL
> > 1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask
>
> your neighbor,"May I
> > borrow a highlighter?"
> > 2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my
lips on
> > that!!!
> > 3. Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks
> > the
silience
> > with bodily function noise.
> > 4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
>
> 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass
> > eye!!"
> > 6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
>
> 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and
> > then drop a cantelope into
> > the toliet
bowl from a high place and sigh
> > relaxingly.
> > 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
>
> 9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt
> > iterratically
> > under the stall walls
of your neighbors while
> > yelling,"Whoa!
> > Easy boy!!"
> > 10. Say," Interesting....more
sinkers than floaters"
> >
> > 11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter
>
> on a wad of
> > toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your
> > neighbor.Then
>
> say,"Whoops, could you kick that back over here,
> > please?
> > 12. Say, "Boy, that sure looks
like a maggot"
> > 13. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little
> > too small. Now what am
I
> > gonna do?"
> > 14. Play a well known song on your butt cheeks over
> > and over
>
> again.
> > 15. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall
> > and adjust it so you can
>
> see your neighbor and say,"Peek-a-boo!"
> > 16. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall
>
> wall and sing "Born Free"
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who
smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who have women
on ground have piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Take many nails to make a crib but
one screw to fill it.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with sticky fingers
Golf
1. Nuts! My shaft is bent.
2. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
3. You really whacked the hell out of that
sucker.
4. Look at the size of his putter.
5. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
6.
ind if I join your threesome?
7. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
8. My hands are so sweaty I can't
get a good grip.
9. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
10. Hold up! I need to wash
my balls first.
|
